Greg Gutfeld opens with jokes about Alyssa Farah Griffin crying on The View, suggesting it's either stress or the onions they slice for their daily pig roast. He moves on to news that more than half of East Coast beaches tested positive for fecal contamination, sarcastically claiming they tracked the source.
He jokes about Tim Baltz charging taxpayers $430,000 in legal fees to help prepare to testify before Congress, quipping that while he can't define a woman, he can sure spend like one.
Next, he roasts Kamala Harris, saying she went with her "guts" when choosing Tim Baltz as a running mate and sarcastically speculates about what was in them.
Greg jokes about the BBC releasing images of early human species, with punchlines about their age and appearance.
He then turns to President Biden's former doctor refusing to answer questions about Biden’s health, joking he’d be the perfect doctor to treat Greg’s “secret warts” and saying when asked about Biden’s decline, he referred them to the coroner’s report.
He ridicules Mattel for introducing a Barbie with type 1 diabetes, saying people laughed at his idea for "AIDS Ken."
He cracks a joke about a college student growing a beard as a “symbolic middle finger,” with a woman replying she grew hers for the same reason.
Returning to Biden's former doctor pleading the Fifth before Congress, Greg jokes that doctor-patient privilege is the only thing stopping his own doctor from revealing his birthmark that looks like Brit Hume. He jokes the doctor must constantly deal with Biden’s fragile health, describing outlandish vet-style treatments like popping back his shoulder, removing worms from his leg, or pulling a chipmunk out of his rear.
Greg says Biden's doctor wasn't alone defending him, getting help from a "stupid person from Texas" who insists on confidentiality. Greg says yes, people have the right to privacy but also not to be lied to about the president’s mental capacity. He says Biden has "a brain more shattered than a chair on The View" and roasts Democrats for pretending his decline is news to them.
He jokes about former CNN analysts being shocked Biden couldn’t be trusted outside staged events, comparing this revelation to discovering John Travolta is gaining weight.
Greg says they don't want Biden's doctor in jail because he'd be "passed around like P Diddy's girlfriend at a freak-off" but they do want the real story about his health. He speculates about why Parkinson’s specialists visited so often. He jokes maybe the doctor needs immunity to "spill the beans" without incriminating himself, even pardoning him for his haircut.
He concludes that the real blame lies not with the doctor but with the people around Biden giving orders—and he wants "their scalps."
Then he introduces the night's guests:
-
Michael Malice, author of Not Sick of Winning.
-
Julie Banderas, Fox News anchor.
-
Chef and restaurant owner Andrew Gruel.
-
Kat Timpf, libertarian author and Fox News contributor.
Michael Malice says pleading the Fifth was smart—why talk to authorities if you can get away with not doing it? He jokes about Trump's doctor dying not long after his office got raided.
Greg riffs on the idea that a "normal-brained Biden" administration wouldn’t be much different.
Julie Banderas criticizes the media for failing to ask tough questions, joking they should have asked the doctor about his bad haircut instead. She argues that pleading the Fifth over whether he lied about Biden’s health basically confirms he did.
Andrew Gruel adds that this scandal is layered and the media tries to act like heroes despite their cover-up. He jokes that the "stutter fly effect" (a play on "butterfly effect") is being used as an excuse, leading to inflation and a crashing economy.
Greg ends with a joke about how giving the media the job of investigating themselves is like giving yourself a prostate exam—you’d need to be really limber to pull it off.
No comments:
Post a Comment